In The Process

Wow, since doing Tad's workshop on Sunday I've pretty much completely redone my website (still an ongoing process) and I have to admit it feels much better. The ideas are just flowing in, which makes it a bit hard to keep up some times. One thing I am deeply aware of through this time of heightened activity however is that thing I wrote about a few days ago (I think) about just being fully present to whatever is going on right now. I haven't really even been overly tempted to get too wrapped up in where this is all going. I'm enjoying the journey too much.

The Practical Effects

What's the point in doing all this work if you don't notice some practical effects? One of the effects is certainly about feeling better about pretty much everything in life which is awesome. Another is how ideas that are in alignment with what you are here to do seem to appear almost instantaneously once you become aware of them. One very recent example, though there have been many cases of this happening, is when I had the thought I wanted to go to a workshop with Tad Hargrave about marketing the other day and sure enough, there was one available the very next day which I attended and enjoyed immensely. I have been working on what I learned with great joy and enthusiasm ever since.
Then there are the ideas that I put limitations around. I had the thought that I wanted to get some fresh new professional photos taken for the website, etc. I put a caveat around the idea though. I thought I'd wait until I got a discount coupon or something to that effect so I could get a 'good deal'. Now where do you suppose that idea came went? Nowhere of course. I was talking to my beloved about it the other night and he suggested I just go to a photographer he has used in the past here in St. Albert and get it done. I realized I had wrapped up that pretty little idea in a blanket of fear based, limited thinking so of course nothing had shown up.
So I called Alex at ABI Photography, got in the same day for a session, loved the results and am on my way to pick up the CD. All for a pretty darn good deal in the end.
Limited thinking is so insidious we rarely even recognize it as such. I find talking about what I'm thinking or desiring or writing about it really helps me to see where the blinders are. I so appreciate the process!

Appreciation

Today I am off to a marketing workshop with Tad Hargrave of Marketing for Hippies. I love his philosophy around marketing, at least what I have gleaned from his website, etc. I was watching a video of an interview with Tad yesterday and was thinking I'd really like to go to a workshop with him at some point. Then I went to his blog and lo and behold he was doing a workshop today which I could attend! I have to admit a lot more of this kind of thing has been happening of late where I have a thought or a question and it just shows up. Perhaps I'm simply more aware of it or I've released enough of the old limiting beliefs to clear the decks. Who knows, it doesn't really matter I'm just appreciating it all.

Here's another video I thought was fun and sweet. Enjoy!

Day 39

As you may have already surmised, I'm moving forward with the facilitator/coaching work that I have been doing albeit quietly and noncommittally. What I mean by that is that I have come to the place where I am ready to be more open, direct and visible with my work. I have no idea where it's going to take me in the end, truth is we never do, but I am willing and excited about taking steps toward making that a full time endeavour.
The limiting beliefs I have encountered along the way have been wonderful stepping stones for me to gain the kind of clarity I need to be fully engaged in every step of the process (as is always the case when we view whatever shows up for us as gifts rather than obstacles). I am not labouring under the illusion that I will not encounter any further limiting assumptions and concepts; I am clear that I can see them for what they are as stories I've created that have no substance whatsoever and that I need not be constrained by them (or I can be). The ups and downs of life, the times of high energy and low energy are all perfect and I deeply appreciate them all.

I do have to say the greatest gift of this particular time is how very aware I am that I can enjoy the process of life no matter what phase it's in. I've always struggled with things like having to market myself and facing the possibility that what I am moving toward may not come to fruition as I have envisioned it. Now I'm excited and totally enjoying being present right where I am without concern for where it will go while taking the steps I am being shown along the way. It's a very cool way to be in life.

Day 38

The clouds have cleared, the excitement is here and the next phase of the process of going back out into the world has begun.

In the meantime, here's a great little video about someone who really is living beyond belief. The path may be different but the point is made.

Enjoy!

Day 36

The ideas and the urge to be more in the world with my work is getting stronger. All the fears and reasons why not have also been showing up in full force and I've been having a blast cutting them off at the pass so to speak.
I hadn't been journaling for quite a while which was perfect for that time and now I find as the fears start showing up the journaling becomes a wonderful tool for me to gain clarity by asking the questions I would ask clients. Then I get to watch the fearful thoughts melt before my eyes. Way cool.
Where I tend to come back to time and again is the place of simply enjoying the process, no matter what part of the process I'm currently in. When I start taking the whole thing too personally I am reminded that none of this is serious or important or personal for that matter, it's what I love and whatever happens happens as ideas arise in awareness, I take whatever action comes with it and let it go.

Day 35

About Vello's comment from yesterday, who knows? All things are possible. I do sense that there is only Life in its infinite manifestations and we are all part of that. What I am also seeing is that we are not as special as we like to think we are just because we can think. Life is so much greater than any personal perception how could we begin to truly grasp the great mystery of it all?
Given that, what interests me, and has for a very long time, is the journey and all the ways Life manifests in the human form. How do we live at peace with what is? How do we find joy in the flow and the stuckness, the sameness and the differences, the shifting sands and the mundane? I'm not even into finding meaning so much as being with what arises in awareness. It's all here in this magnificent playground of Life, everything we want and need; question is are we seeing it or are we caught up in what we think about it?

Day 34

I finally stopped long enough to melt into feelings of emptiness this morning; you know that nameless kind of sensation in the pit of the stomach that generally sends us out into the world to try and find something to fill it up with. I've been particularly aware of it hanging around for a few days now and have been walking with it, so to speak. This morning I decided to stop walking and I started writing and paying closer attention to it. As is most often the case, it shows up with a twinge of fear or excitement (kind of hard to tell which much of the time) and this drive to do something which is usually to get away from the sense of emptiness. When I stop and breathe and let all the thoughts kind of melt away I notice the feeling shift after a time and a feeling flowing energy taking its place. It really is quite delicious.
Here's the bottom line for me right now. I am aware of what I want to do and I am aware of the stories I tell myself of why I can't or why it wouldn't work which is exactly what I want to see so that I can burst those bubbles of illusion and see what arises. That also seems to be what was behind my need to read other people's books about their experiences in the last little while; so I could get to the limiting beliefs I am so good at disguising.
Believe it or not, this is my idea of a good time. Go figure.

Day 32

It's good to connect with people I don't often communicate with. A great reminder of just how few people actually question their beliefs and open to what is. It also helps to show me more of the beliefs that are controlling me as well.

In this 'fast' time I've had a heightened awareness of some of the beliefs that I have carried with me through most of the life around work and especially around me in terms of work. I have ample proof in regards to most of them as to how untrue they are in my own experience and that of many others yet I continue to fall prey to them in times of doubt. Perfect; that's exactly what I'm looking for. None of them are new to my awareness and I am not labouring under the illusion that they are now going to disappear but I haven't actually faced many of these particular beliefs from the current awareness of what they are. They certainly aren't the enemy so I don't need to go to war against them (which unknowingly so often happens); I don't need to create affirmations to counteract them (just another way to avoid things) and I don't have to believe them. It's about making peace with the fears that arise, recognizing the falseness of the beliefs and opening to the great unknown, still and again and again and again.

Day 29

A deep directionless restlessness has been arising in awareness of late. Being with it rather than reacting to it is somewhat challenging at times and I can't say I've been feeling really up and excited with it all the time but alas, such is life.
Thoughts I've noticed have really indicated how difficult it is for me to be in this place of inaction yet I am aware that the restlessness is not born of a call forward but rather a pattern of wanting to get away from the uncomfortable.
Perfect!

Day 26

This is a very challenging journey for me. Facing so many beliefs and concepts including the main concept of 'me'. Seeing how I can take any idea and twist it into something that fits this 'me' concept and turning it into yet another belief. There's really nowhere to go and nothing to do about it. It is all unfolding as it is. The very desire to know life beyond the boundaries of 'me' is as it is and this too shall pass.

Day 24

The 'fast' is doing its work beautifully. Lots of familiar old stuff coming up that is being faced (being fully present to the feelings)and questioned (beliefs and concepts that accompany the feelings).
It's interesting for me to observe how pretty much anything can become a goal of sorts. I know I can't make what I see as a desirable state of being happen yet I am deeply aware of the desire to do so. Simply observing the various layers of fear-based motivation without jumping up and taking action is counter intuitive for me so I get to see in a much clearer way just how it operates. I must admit it brings me to places of sadness and discouragement at times even as I am aware of how much of a gift it is to be in this process of dismantling. It's all perfect.

Day 21

I'm not blogging a lot this time around. The more I let go of what I think I should do and what I shouldn't do, the less there seems to be to say in this moment. I have noticed that there are more and more thoughts showing up about what I could do in the future which actually appears to be more in reaction to being in the unknown than what is true. Who knows? It is what it is and I am in observation mode so I'm not into doing anything about any of it other than observing, being present to what's showing up and carrying on. The concept of making things happen which I have lived with for so long is not so appealing when I just let myself be aware of it. It's neither right nor wrong, it's just a story.

Day 17

My question of the day: 'What would life be like if I didn't think (____________) should be different?
I've talked about this with everyone I've encountered today and have found it to be apt in all cases. It started as a question I had for someone else but of course it is most applicable to myself when I start feeling uncomfortable or resistant to what's going on in any given moment.
Since I am in the midst of this fast from making decisions about what I should do for work I've been particularly cognizant of the many ways I subtly start thinking things should be different or what I should do to create value somehow. Even if it's as little as cleaning something, I've noticed I like to have something to report at the end of the day which would indicate I'm useful somehow. What's that about other than as a means of distracting from discomfort about not earning my keep somehow. Perfect! This is the stuff I knew would come up for me in this time off work and it's exactly the kind of illusion I am dismantling so I am finding it very exciting to be able to play with it by stepping right into the heart of the lie and seeing it fall apart without a whole bunch of fuss or muss. The question about what life would be like is also a perfect reminder that whatever it is that's coming up is just another story and it has absolutely no power to determine my life experience when I see it for what it is.

Day 16

It's been a few days since my last entry. We've just been on a fun little trip to Las Vegas where it was pretty cool by their standards but nothing like what's going on here in the beautiful, wintry Edmonton area. It was no problem staying away from thoughts of work of any kind but not as easy to just be completely present in the same quiet way I am at home. I was very present however to what was going on while I totally enjoyed the overwhelming sensual experience that is the current Las Vegas. I love all the theme stuff and the absolutely amazing ways that creativity and money meet in the middle of the desert. I go for the shows and the food. I'm not much of a gambler though I did spend about 30 minutes and $15 on the penny slots which is quite entertaining too. We saw Terry Fator and his amazing ventriloquism as well as Love, one of the many Cirque du Soleil shows in Vegas. Both were fabulous as well as our dinner at the Top of the World revolving restaurant at the Stratosphere.
What I have to say in terms of process is how very present I was to the joy and adventure of what I was participating in. I feel a huge appreciation for it all and for what is right here at home too. Even though I had some trouble with one of my feet and consequently some discomfort in my lower legs from all the walking I wasn't phased by it or upset about it, I just bought better supporting shoes and carried on though at a somewhat slower pace which was great!
That's what this whole process is about for me, being with what is right in front of me and appreciating it all. We even managed to stay in a hotel that helped bring more balance as it was not a casino hotel but a spa hotel which was very, very quiet and yet still on The Strip. Amazing really, I had not been paying that much attention when I booked it but there it was, just the right quiet atmosphere for us in the midst of all that activity.
So I am back in my quiet home, settling back in and being here now.