Friday night I felt disconnected for a while. Saturday felt more flow yet still aware of being somewhat off balance and really feeling a whole bunch of muscles I hadn't used for a while after Friday's activities. It reminded me of how it is when we start into any new or unfamiliar activity including those of the mind. This work of dismantling the illusion can bring up pain very similar to that of muscles unused to certain activities. It isn't unusual to feel even more pain for a time as the walls tumble down and that, believe it or not, is an indicator of the process working not the reverse.
I was speaking to a client the other day who was experiencing a period of deep sorrow and grief which is an absolute break through after years of anger and defensiveness. There is now a clear gateway through which one can enter the inner sanctum of being and finally make peace with what is instead of the constant fight. This is the place I have experienced the deepest serenity. It is a time to celebrate even though that is the last thing people generally want to do at this point.
The important thing is to realize all is well and to keep moving through the layers of falsehood that have now been revealed with as much gentleness and compassion as you can muster. Here is where we usually can see more clearly the patterns of behaviour that we are most ashamed of or feel most guilt over which are thick and unyielding layers indeed. We generally tend to bounce off guilt and shame; who wants to feel that? But there you have it, if it's there then distracting ourselves will not change it; if anything it's more likely to strengthen it. Stepping into the heart of it with courage, compassion and curiosity however will dissolve it, if not immediately then with persistence whenever the symptoms show up. Most people are covering up ancient beliefs in inadequacy, incompetence and just plain feeling bad so don't be surprised to find those lurking in the dark corners of your consciousness. They aren't there because it's true, they are there because that is what you decided long, long ago in your efforts to make sense out of what was going on around you or to you and it will remain there colouring your world until you truly no longer believe it (and I not talking about convincing yourself somehow of the opposite). Rather than set up an argument by trying to tell yourself you're worthy or deserving or good, how about simply wondering about what it would be like if you didn't have whatever particular belief you identify. Open, relaxed curiosity is a powerful tool.
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