Saturday, September 28, 2013

What Do I Do When I'm Stuck in a Pattern?

So now you're looking inward for what is going on when you realize you are experiencing a familiar pattern in your relationship (s) whether personal or business. What is it exactly that you should be looking for?

To begin with, feelings of discomfort (fear, sadness, anger, frustration, stress, overwhelm, anxiety, etc) are the physical reflections of thought processes. Thoughts and feelings are expressions of ideas, thoughts being the non-physical expression and feelings the physical, being how the body experiences those ideas. The mind (non-physical) is constantly trying to work out solutions to situations and events that it does not understand or that it categorizes as needing resolution. Our minds are really amazing machines that search, sort and categorize information at a speed that makes it very difficult to even realize what it is up to. Most of it is not happening at a conscious level; we'd likely go crazy if it was.

One of the places the mind searches for answers is in memory. It looks for similar experiences and projects into the space of not knowing what is really going on something that it has stored in memory. When what gets projected into the current situation is something that was fearful or painful somehow then the new event gets categorized as painful as well even though it may have nothing to do with what is really going on.

For example, your partner has a friendly relationship with someone of the opposite sex and fails to let you know about it. You find out by looking through their text messages one day when you were looking for something else. You immediately feel a current of energy moving through your body and you get suspicious and angry. You confront your partner and they evade you or get a sheepish look on their face. You immediately jump to the conclusion that they are lying to you and there is really something going on. A fight ensues where you demand answers and your partner gets defensive. You get nowhere except disconnected from each other (and yourself by the way).

Here are some possible conclusions both might have arrived at that are not based on what is happening in the present but rather some painful memories:
1) I am not valued here.
2) They are cheating on me
3) I am going to lose this relationship
4) I screwed up
5) I have to avoid in order to be safe
6) I am going to be blamed for something even if there is nothing going on
7) I have to defend myself or else I will be hurt or annihilated
8) I have to get you to explain so I will feel safe
9) Insert whatever thoughts came up for you.

If you look at the situation as it happened without the assumptions inserted there are a million possibilities, some of which could be on the list and many that are not. But because we tend to be blinded by our insertions and projections we are not really open to the truth. We are often more interested in being right even if right is painful for us.

If we are going to change the patterns we fall into we first have to step back, take a breath and remind ourselves that we really don't know what this means. Then we can bring soothing and reassurance to the inner being who is experiencing the discomfort. Then we have to say something that is true rather that accusing or defensive, i.e. "I'm afraid", "I just felt a really strong reaction and I know I'm projecting some painful memory onto this situation. The truth is I don't know what is happening I would like to figure it out together."

If you take the time to realize what is truly most important to you it will help you take the step of honesty. By the way, if you are going to say one true thing it is about you, not about the other. You have no idea what is really going on for them even if you are convinced you do. The question really
is, is it most important for you to be right, or is it to connect?

Until, next time...

Namaste


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