Communication

I feel kind of sad this morning. I just had a conversation of sorts with a young woman with three children whose husband of one year asked for a divorce a couple of months ago. She now has to move and start over again with her three young children. Perhaps it has something to do with hitting close to home having been the child of such a situation many years ago. Perhaps there is also a remembering of all the times in my life when relationships didn't work. Perhaps another element is another conversation with a young couple who is getting married who through our conversations are just starting to realize how much of their communication is actually stilted and incomplete and could easily cause major problems in the future if not addressed.

Who knows but all these factors coming together this morning definitely remind me of why I chose to do the coaching work I do.Communication, or lack thereof, I would say is one of the top challenges not only in marriage but in work, family and friend relationships as well, oh hell, in life period.

I remember distinctly being interviewed by a reporter with the Calgary Herald many, many years ago when I had my oilfield supply business in Red Deer where he asked me what my number one challenge was and, realizing it fully in that moment, I blurted out communication. I was terrible at it and so was pretty much every one I knew. At that point I had already gone through two marriages and numerous relationships and I also knew, at least peripherally that one of the big problems for me was lack of effective communication. I remember thinking that if I could resolve that issue I could make a fortune.

Well, I've come a long way since then baby (with communication, not the fortune) and there is always more to do. That's the journey and I'm very grateful for it even though I often feel sad when I hear about people's frustrations with communication in relationships of all kinds.

So what is it that keeps communication from being more effective?

The bottom line is fear, but fear of what? Fear of rejection, fear of the truth, fear based on old programming, decisions and assumptions; all boils down to basic survival if you follow the thread far enough. Whatever we decided we had to do to survive the confusion and pain when our little brains were forming is still driving our communication today, especially if we haven't stopped to question the validity of those decisions and assumptions, and most people have not.

It isn't so much that we need to learn any new communication techniques, that's just another ineffective bandaid. What is most called for as far as I can tell is going back to the source of the problem and really looking at what we are afraid of so we can see the truth; what we fear isn't real and it rarely has anything to do with what we are dealing with in the moment. Our fears are projections of memories and assumptions that have been distorted and reinforced over time.

In order to communicate effectively we have to see through the veil of falsehoods that block us from telling ourselves and each other the truth. It isn't easy because it is so cleverly disguised but it is doable and it is worth doing.

Namaste.