I have been focused on financial abundance and grace these past 57 days. Yes, I do know the exact number of days because I started journaling again when I started this focus period and have been noting the day number on every page. There have been periods where I could really feel the flow of grace and abundance in my life and there have been many days where I felt the opposite, many of them as a matter of fact. I never stopped the focus however because I've done this enough to know that what needs to show up when I am opening to more of anything is whatever has been blocking that flow in the first place.
For some reason this one is hitting at a very deep core. I've run into all kinds of limiting ideas and beliefs, some I have met up with before numerous times and others have been there all along but I didn't necessarily get to them in any real way in the past. The latest and deepest that I have encountered are what you might call a lack of will to live and the depth of the doubting mind. It isn't easy to write about these because they don't really fit my self-image in some ways but then that whole self-image thing is such an illusion in and of itself.
The lack of will to live became apparent to me when I was hanging out with the idea of dying. I seem perfectly OK with dying but then the thought occurred to me that it was fine to be willing to die if that's where life was taking me but was I actually willing to live? I think something in me went kind of dead a long time ago and the will to live was weakened in the process. Whenever adversity or difficulty cropped up in my life (which happened a lot) I would often go into the "I just want to die" mode. I confronted that many years ago while sitting on a huge rock in a river in the Himalayas. I knew at that point that the 'I want to die' bit was really not true, it was a kind of trick of the mind, a way out so to speak.
While I don't have the thought 'I want to die' anymore something seems to have gone underground with it. That's often the case with deeply held beliefs and habits of thinking. We become aware of them in one form so they somehow manage to morph and cleverly disguise themselves so they aren't quite so easy to spot. That way they can keep operating in the background, very similar to some computer viruses. Anyway, this one seems to have taken on a very subtle but operational perspective that I can only call the lack of will to live. Again, when confronted it's easy to see it isn't the truth but it's also been easy for it to operate at a kind of low level so it could go undetected. Can't wait to see what it morphs into next...
The other piece of this little puzzle I'm working with currently is the doubting mind. Grace to me is about trusting Life. Trusting Life has been a theme for some time now and it has certain been the catalyst for making me aware of the many, many ways that I don't actually trust Life at all. The doubting mind is an element of this lack of trust. Doubting self, doubting worth, doubting ability, doubting Life. All really bring into sharp relief the contrast between living a grace-filled life and a doubt and fear filled one. I was reminiscing this morning back to the times in my life when I was absolutely full of faith in Life. I could feel the flow of life and love and joy and well, grace in every cell of my body and in the way I saw everything that happened in life. I have been somewhat lost in the doubting mind of late, so it makes the contrast supremely evident. That has been a major gift to me in this process of expanding to allow more of Life to flow freely in and through me. I am so grateful for these times. I am so grateful for the contrast. I am so grateful for the memories. I am so grateful for what is.
Let the games continue!
Namaste
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