We had a wonderfully stormy Saturday night and I loved it. Hard rain, a little thunder and wind feels so good once in a while. As with all things, it wouldn't be so much fun if it was that way all the time but alas, nothing lasts forever, at least not in the temporal world.
Speaking of things that don't last forever, I've been noticing some discouragement in people around me who are trying to make changes in their lives and are not experiencing what they thought they wanted. It's interesting to explore what's behind discouragement because there is often such a mixed message that it isn't surprising whatever they try doesn't work.
Let's play with an example of what I mean here such as wanting to have a significant, harmonious relationship for instance and constantly falling back into conflicted relationships that do not satisfy the need to feel significant to the other person. I've seen this kind of dynamic played out over and over for a lot of people even though they may know that it's really all about their beliefs and assumptions about life. I fully understand discouragement as it is something I felt most of my life; I may well meet up with it again but it's been a while since I've really gone there.
So what's the shift that has to happen in order to be at peace with where you are instead of struggling with the same old thing? There are probably all kinds of answers to this but I'll just share some of my experience around it.
First off, it's very helpful to be aware that there are indeed conflicting beliefs and needs at play. Using the example above, a need might be for significance/importance which is part of the human condition. When that need was not met sufficiently (or at all for that matter) in childhood, all kinds of strategies were likely developed in an effort to get the need met. Often these strategies are not pretty, they're just pretty desperate. Acting out, being especially good, over achieving, underachieving, trying to do as much as possible to make another happy, becoming reclusive are all strategies used to deal with the need. Some sort of work, sometimes but in the end you're left feeling empty and discouraged because they don't really work to address the core issue which has been masked in all the efforting. Then there is often a belief that develops that says no matter what I do I can't get that need met. So, the conflict is born and you swing back and forth from desperate effort, to giving up, to discouragement and despair, back to trying hard and round and round you go.
So now that you're aware of the conflicting beliefs and needs the next step is to be fully present to the pain of it all. Stop the merry go round for a moment and breathe, just take some nice full breaths and let your focus drop into your body where the conflict has been playing out in the form of physical pain or discomfort (fear, sadness, anger are likely the feelings associated with this kind of dynamic). Take a few moments to breathe with it where it lives in your body and to bring compassion and kindness and understanding to the being who has been so desperate and so discouraged. Just be fully present to it without all the criticism and blame. Notice how innocent this beingness is. There was a perception of need which every human experiences and so you were simply trying to get it met. There's nothing to condemn in that is there? As a child you had no way of knowing what was really going on so you filled in the gap with some kind of assumption about yourself and what you had to do to survive and you've just been living that out ever since; going back and forth, trying and giving up over and over. But now you have a new option because you're aware and I presume you would like to alleviate the suffering (bring compassion) and the most effective way I know to do that is to simply give the quality of attention to that inner being that it has been trying to get from others even as it has been hiding from it. Just breathe into it for a moment, be kind in your thoughts toward it but most of all be present with understanding.
The next step is to question the validity of the belief that this need is bad or that you have to get rid of it or you have to get anyone else to meet it. You are in this moment meeting the need! That is such good news. You can let everyone else off the hook, you can let go of all those ineffective strategies and you can be what you've been seeking. Breathe into that for a moment. Nothing needs to happen in the world for you to be ok; you're ok right now and you can rest here. It isn't true that this need will never be met is it? Eureka, the barrier has been broken, love can flow once again and all that energy is freed up. Take a moment to open to the wonder of infinite possibility that has just come available to you, appreciate all that is right now and all that is to be. Life is such an adventure! Life is happening in and through you and it's all a wonder.
Here's a question that's particularly important to consider; will the conflict show up again, will you be challenged with your old patterns again? You bet! The difference is that you know what it is and you can go right back to that place where the pain lives and be fully present and compassionate and give yourself exactly what you really need again and again. Who cares how often you have to go back there? What could possibly be more important when the need shows up?
You'll probably forget all about doing this more often than you remember but every time you do give that compassionate attention and call the bluff on the beliefs about it is a gift. Why not receive it over and over?
Namaste
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