Boundaries

I had an interesting conversation with a friend yesterday who said she was working on boundary issues. This is not a new topic by any stretch and there are many of us who have struggled with boundaries all our lives.

The topic usually comes up around lack of boundaries; in other words the places where we have not stood up for ourselves, where we tend to go along with others not because we want to but because we are afraid not to. You can tell you've hit a boundary issue when you start having thoughts like 'What about me?' 'What I want doesn't matter' 'There's no room for me', etc, etc. Resentment tends to show up  in these places and if left unattended relationships eventually break down or are lived out in a state of misery.

Many of us didn't really have the luxury of relationships that honored healthy boundaries when we were growing up. The adults in our lives didn't necessarily have them so it was pretty difficult for them to encourage us to be aware of ours. Thus we did whatever we could to create a sense of safety which is where we learned to put up walls or let others do whatever they wanted, depending on how we were interpreting what was going on. These protective measures often showed up as either passive or aggressive behaviors (or passive-aggressive of course).

 Unfortunately, for the most part when people talk about creating boundaries as adults they are actually in the process of creating more barriers and walls. These are just the other side of the coin of where you let yourself be walked on, neither is really a boundary; they are reactions and strategies developed in our attempts to deal with fearful situations. If I believe I need to create a boundary or a wall or let myself be walked on, I'm still not dealing with the real issue; what is behind the fear, how am I interpreting what is happening and is that true?

We don't create boundaries, we become aware of them. Usually when we are trying to artificially create boundaries we are talking about setting up rules (barriers) to keep us safe. Boundaries are natural, like where the ocean meets the shore or the river meets the bank. There's a natural ebb and flow to boundaries where we do not lose sight of who we are as we move within relationships with a natural give and take; whereas there is really nothing natural when we need to create rules and laws that we are then bound by.

In order to become aware of where our boundaries are we need to have a very intimate relationship with our inner being so that we can deal truthfully and compassionately with the fears that show up rather than interpreting them in ways that are self-limiting and in the long run isolating. It is only then that we can spontaneously respond to what is happening without having to 'protect' ourselves. Being authentically in the moment allows for the natural boundaries to be honored and for connections to be made. Life really doesn't have to be all that complicated.

Namaste