What Does Self-Soothing Look Like?

I mentioned in my last post that instead of staying in reaction when something upsets us, one thing we can do is bring soothing and reassurance to the inner being that is in pain. I'd like to expand on this process because it is really quite foreign to most people I speak to.

When we find ourselves feeling anxious, fearful, ashamed, sad, guilty, angry, overwhelmed, or pain of any kind there is some element within that is in need of attention. Most of us were taught to actually do the opposite of attending to our inner world; we were taught to buck up, forget about it, distract ourselves and even berate ourselves when we had painful feelings. Many of us ended up believing it was 'weak' to allow any 'negative' feelings other than anger, which is a secondary feeling that gives the illusion of power and control, when we are feeling vulnerable and/or out of control. The problem is that none of these strategies actually deal with the real issue, the one who is in pain.

There is another way.

Self-soothing is a technique whereby we shift our focus inward and focus gentle attention where the pain (emotion) is most concentrated. For example, fear and guilt are usually felt most strongly in the solar plexus or stomach area; sadness is often in the heart region; anger is often in the jaw, neck and shoulders. By focusing gentle attention and taking full, rounded breaths into the place in the body where the feeling resides there is usually a loosening, a kind of space created where there has been tension and discomfort.

When I say focusing attention I mean literally looking at that area in your body with your mind's eye; looking at it with openness, acceptance, gentle curiosity and compassion. In other words bringing a new energy into the pain so that it can be soothed. Words of reassurance can also be spoken into this place because the truth is most of us long to be reassured that we are loved, that everything is going to be OK, that we are not alone. We usually seek this from others but in the end if we can't receive reassure from ourselves we are not likely going to be able to fully let it in from someone else. The truth is the one we really wanted it from may be long gone from our lives or simply unable to give it. So does that mean we can't have it? Not in the least my friend! You have it in you to give yourself what you most need, loving compassionate attention.

Try it the next time you feel upset or afraid or in pain; it is truly delicious and it is a game changer.

Next time lets talk about some things you can do with those thoughts that are generating the pain and discomfort.

Your comments and questions are always welcome!

Namaste

What Do I Do When I'm Stuck in a Pattern?

So now you're looking inward for what is going on when you realize you are experiencing a familiar pattern in your relationship (s) whether personal or business. What is it exactly that you should be looking for?

To begin with, feelings of discomfort (fear, sadness, anger, frustration, stress, overwhelm, anxiety, etc) are the physical reflections of thought processes. Thoughts and feelings are expressions of ideas, thoughts being the non-physical expression and feelings the physical, being how the body experiences those ideas. The mind (non-physical) is constantly trying to work out solutions to situations and events that it does not understand or that it categorizes as needing resolution. Our minds are really amazing machines that search, sort and categorize information at a speed that makes it very difficult to even realize what it is up to. Most of it is not happening at a conscious level; we'd likely go crazy if it was.

One of the places the mind searches for answers is in memory. It looks for similar experiences and projects into the space of not knowing what is really going on something that it has stored in memory. When what gets projected into the current situation is something that was fearful or painful somehow then the new event gets categorized as painful as well even though it may have nothing to do with what is really going on.

For example, your partner has a friendly relationship with someone of the opposite sex and fails to let you know about it. You find out by looking through their text messages one day when you were looking for something else. You immediately feel a current of energy moving through your body and you get suspicious and angry. You confront your partner and they evade you or get a sheepish look on their face. You immediately jump to the conclusion that they are lying to you and there is really something going on. A fight ensues where you demand answers and your partner gets defensive. You get nowhere except disconnected from each other (and yourself by the way).

Here are some possible conclusions both might have arrived at that are not based on what is happening in the present but rather some painful memories:
1) I am not valued here.
2) They are cheating on me
3) I am going to lose this relationship
4) I screwed up
5) I have to avoid in order to be safe
6) I am going to be blamed for something even if there is nothing going on
7) I have to defend myself or else I will be hurt or annihilated
8) I have to get you to explain so I will feel safe
9) Insert whatever thoughts came up for you.

If you look at the situation as it happened without the assumptions inserted there are a million possibilities, some of which could be on the list and many that are not. But because we tend to be blinded by our insertions and projections we are not really open to the truth. We are often more interested in being right even if right is painful for us.

If we are going to change the patterns we fall into we first have to step back, take a breath and remind ourselves that we really don't know what this means. Then we can bring soothing and reassurance to the inner being who is experiencing the discomfort. Then we have to say something that is true rather that accusing or defensive, i.e. "I'm afraid", "I just felt a really strong reaction and I know I'm projecting some painful memory onto this situation. The truth is I don't know what is happening I would like to figure it out together."

If you take the time to realize what is truly most important to you it will help you take the step of honesty. By the way, if you are going to say one true thing it is about you, not about the other. You have no idea what is really going on for them even if you are convinced you do. The question really
is, is it most important for you to be right, or is it to connect?

Until, next time...

Namaste